Happy International Women's Day! Women belong everywhere and in every industry.
Over the short course of the year, I have noticed a trend of female artistes focusing on their personal growth and craft, especially the ones fresh out of relationships. This gave me a light bulb moment. Although, yes, love can be truly sweet, a lot of us have been through a lot all in the name of love (and sometimes, lust)
In celebration of International Women's Day, I reached out to some girlies to narrate a story of an experience they had with a man that made them discover self love. Staying true to the e-Rated theme and adding a little twist to it, they had to associate that experience to a particular song, project, or artiste that considerably helped them through that phase of their lives.
After reading some of these responses , all I can say is "breakup na national cake" (Maxee, 2022).
Disclaimer: Names have been edited for privacy reasons
Temi, 26
"It almost killed me"
He was my first official boyfriend. I was in medical School in an Eastern European country while he lived and worked in the States. I was practically minding my business when himself and his mother wooed me relentlessly. I didn’t really want to commit and I had shelved the idea of a boyfriend till after graduation but he was sweet and really cute, so I entertained it.
The day he actually got me to agree to be his girlfriend - I had come to the States for a summer internship program, we went grocery shopping and he locked me in his car until I said yes, lol it was under duress, but at that point, I actually wanted to be with him - I just couldn’t bring myself to say yes. Only for me to find out he was still dealing with his ex.
After I went back to school, one day, I was speaking to him while he had a friend in his car. His phone was on handsfree, so his friend could hear the conversation. Towards the end of the conversation, his friend addressed me using his ex’s name (let’s call her Ms U), “Ms U when are you coming by to cook for us, it’s been a minute” - and I froze. This meant that he was actively still seeing and engaging with his ex. I never confronted him about it. He hung up and we didn’t talk until days after. To be fair, I was young, I think I had just turned 19.
At that point, he’d broken my heart so many times, I was just exhausted mentally and emotionally. We’d be cuddling and he’d be texting her. Trying to hide his phone but I could still see it. One time, I was at his soccer game and his “friend” had the effrontery to hug him and wrap her legs around him once he got off the field. We had just started dating when that happened and there had been zero introductions made but he didn’t see anything wrong with it. I had to ice him out and ask if tables were reversed, would he be okay if I did that to my male friend in his presence, before he apologized. I didn’t know how to communicate or properly express myself anyway. I just bottled in a lot of things and waited for the situation to wither.
Crazy thing is he was a “nice” guy, responsible, the guy all your mothers love but he was a terrible boyfriend who did not meet emotional needs at all. I was already hyper-independent, I still am so I didn’t need him for anything other than showing up for me emotionally and he couldn’t even fulfill that.
He literally went out of his way to woo me, knowing I lived and studied thousands of miles away, knowing I was a virgin, and then proceeded to suggest we end things because he had to have sex in a relationship and the distance was hard on him.
I cried, scratch that - my world collapsed because in spite of everything, I loved him. I missed like half a semester. I don’t even know how I passed that year. I probably retook a few exams. Being my first boyfriend, I compromised a lot of my values when I was with him. I really thought he was it, lmao.
He put the fear of God in me because till today, everyone still thinks highly of him, even my mother. I’m glad I’m over it though. It almost killed me, but when I think about that time I literally laugh out loud.
Songs that helped me get through that phase
I listened to a lot of Jhene Aiko, Toni Braxton’s - How Could An Angel Break My Heart, and Brandy’s Almost Doesn’t Count.
Julianna, 24
"Once a cheater, always a cheater"
Dated a guy called Wale in 2016. Note that I was more than happy being friends with benefits with him as I was chopping life. However, he brought up that he wanted me to be his girlfriend and stupid 18 year old me said okay.
Just two months into the relationship, I started hearing that Wale might be talking to other babes - I was confusion. Being the direct person I am, I confronted him but he LIED to my face and even threatened to call the accuser in front of me - Namaste Wahala. Stupid me decided it’s easier to just believe him because I don’t like stress. Three months into the relationship, I decided to check his phone while he was sleeping beside me (note: I always had his password but never snooped). I saw that he was messaging a babe in the US sparsely - but I was seeing messages like ‘I miss you’ and ‘I miss you too’. I was so conflicted because he could either be talking to his friend or cheating on me. Again, I confronted him about it but he claimed that the babe is his friend and was upset I went through his phone - okay now.
After that incident, my trust in him was broken. I started to withdraw myself slowly from the relationship before it’s collapse 7 months in. I am so sure he was cheating on me with multiple women back then. It was such a short time but quite a whirlwind.
I had to pick myself back up & love myself wholly because who can love me pass me? I went out to eat to my hearts desire, went on dates with different guys with no intention of ever seeing them again for fun, and just generally enjoyed myself. Enjoyment dey mend heartbreak.
FYI - he’s currently dating the babe that was just his friend back then. And yes, he’s still cheating on her because ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’.
Songs that helped me get through that phase
The ENTIRE Lemonade album. ‘Pray You Catch Me’ was my absolute favourite as well as ‘Love Drought’. So grateful Beyoncé showed this vulnerable part of herself because I could relate.
Yvonne, 26
"I have not been a fool for a man, as I was with him"
I met Johnson online, there was an instant liking because we had so much in common. we recommended music to each other (my drug) which was perfect because he had excellent taste in music.
As days went by, I noticed Johnson started moving mad and manipulative. It started from him swearing at me, to making me feel horrible because I declined coming over to his house everyday. I tolerated a lot because I liked him at the time which was so embarrassing - I started questioning my sanity at a point.
On a particular Saturday that I would say was the turning point, he begged me to come over to his house and promised to order my Uber which I was very skeptical about, as he could be very tight fisted. My coconut head should have declined but I still went to see him. I remember ending the trip, calling him to pick me up, and pay the Uber guy - you won't believe he came out and asked me to borrow him the money to pay for the ride. I felt so insulted and started crying right there.
Another time, he took me out and could not pay for my milkshake. For context, this milkshake was N800. He just paid for his meal and walked away, leaving me to pay for mine on a date he invited me for.
At this point, I knew I had to literally flee from this guy or I would lose it. The last time we spoke, I blocked him everywhere and deleted his number. It felt so good to do that because I knew I would not have to keep up with his manipulative and cheapskate ass. It been years after the horrible situationship with Johnson and I am happy I have not been a fool for a man as I was with him.
Songs that helped me get through that phase
I remember singing Scars to your beautiful by Alessia Cara, and Gallery by Mario Vazquez every time I was hurt.
Grace, 22
"Damn, this n*gga's trauma dumping on me"
Farouk was one guy I had an on and off situationship with since my first year of uni. At a point, I got into a relationship and stopped speaking to him for some time, but after the breakup, he basically became my rebound.
He ghosted me for a while then hit me up and we started hooking up again (during the pandemic 🙃). It was cool and all because there were no obligations. We would talk, smoke, have sex & I'd leave. He was pretty much on call if I ever wanted to have sex and I don't know but after that summer, I just got tired of him. Between him talking about his mental health issues & how he uses sex as one of his coping mechanisms, I really just mentally checked out from the situation. We would literally be having sex & I'll be thinking “damn this nigga is trauma dumping on me by telling me about his problems (which is fine I love being there for my friends and mental health is so important), but he’s also using my body as a dumping ground too and I literally draw the line there".
The very last time we hooked up, after he buss a nut, it was literally air and crickets for me. I was just like nah i’m never seeing this guy again and I’m practicing abstinence from now on. I also has a pregnancy scare after this 🙂 and that shit solidified my decision to be abstinent lmao. Thank God I didn’t get pregnant! Omo, I’ve been abstinent for over a year and a half now with no plans of changing that please.
Since then, I just started getting to know God more. I started studying my word more and learning about who I am in Christ. This started my whole self love journey because i learned to see myself and love myself how God sees me and loves me and that’s it, that’s all.
Songs that helped me get through that phase
It was “I won’t go back” by William McDowell, I know it’s sort of corny but i listened to this song literally everyday over and over for a long time and continued to make that promise to myself (and to God) that I wouldn’t go back to things, situations, and people that I knew weren’t good for me.
Mama, 21
"It changed everything about me"
He was my “best friend” and we eventually got into a situationship then he ghosted me for someone I didn’t even think to worry about.
It changed everything about me. It was a rude awakening but it was so necessary for me to become the woman I am today. Imma play with these n*ggas before they play with me! But yeah it definitely helped me evolve, grow and put myself first 🙏🏿.
Songs that helped me get through that phase
Been Calling - Maleek Berry. Omo na me get half the streams for this jam right here.
Big shoutout to everyone that responded and for being so transparent!
Women are exceptional in every space we occupy.
Love God, love yourself, and stay true to your motivations.
Female African Artistes to Listen to Today
While going through these responses, I noticed there were not a lot of female African artistes represented. Here are some female artistes and their most recent projects you can stream today.
Such a beautiful & interesting read. I really enjoyed it. Focusing on the lord 🙏🏾>>>>>
This was fire! Associating experiences with music >>>